We often tend to believe that love grows on its own – but truly lasting and happy relationships require effort. The initial pink haze, the euphoria of the first year or two, is a wonderful time, but it doesn’t appear the same way for every couple, and it is not inevitable that the relationship must „decline” afterwards. On the contrary: challenges and difficulties can become phases of the shared journey that deepen and enrich the bond.

In my opinion, many misunderstand the essence of a relationship: they think that when problems arise, the magic is over. Yet deeper love does not come „automatically” – it is the result of shared work. Its real value lies in learning to love another person fully, with all their layers, flaws, and wounds.

1. Recognizing Our Red Buttons

We have all experienced moments when a tiny thing triggered an enormous reaction. Often, it’s not the present event that truly irritates us but an instinctive reaction to an old wound from the past. Recognizing these „red buttons” is crucial because once we understand the origin of the feeling, it becomes easier to manage.

I believe this self-awareness work is one of the most important aspects of a relationship – not just for the other person but for ourselves too. It’s not always our partner who hurts us; sometimes it’s our own past that haunts us.

2. Becoming Aware of Our Ego States

According to Eric Berne’s transactional analysis, we constantly shift between child, parent, and adult ego states. During arguments, for instance, we often behave like crying children: shouting, sulking, feeling offended. In those moments, it’s not our rational self communicating.

I believe that recognizing when “okay, it’s not the adult speaking from me/others right now” could prevent many unnecessary conflicts. Sometimes taking a moment to pause and calm down is worth more than ten rounds of „proving we are right.”

3. Learning to Press the „Interrupt Button”

According to Mick Cope’s model, arguments usually follow a predictable pattern: a small tension escalates into a major fight, followed by guilt.

I love the idea of consciously trying to „step out” of this process before we hurt each other with words. We don’t have to be perfect: even if we only realize it at the end of a fight, that’s progress. The important thing is to have the intention to interrupt it.

4. Practicing Empathy: Trying to Feel the Other’s Situation

Sometimes there are genuine, unresolvable differences between two people – in habits, desires, or worldviews. The solution isn’t for one person to „give up” themselves. Rather, it’s about trying to understand why the other sees and feels things differently.

I believe empathy doesn’t mean accepting or approving everything, but seeing that the other person can also have their own valid truth. And often, just recognizing this can ease some of the tension.

5. Love Is Also a Decision

Many think loving someone is purely a matter of feelings. But I believe true love is also a decision: choosing to stay by the other’s side even when it’s hard, even when we don’t feel great passion at the moment.

I find it inspiring that we love not only when it’s easy, but also when we feel the opposite. A well-made decision – whether through a marriage vow or a private inner promise – can provide tremendous security for a relationship, especially during stormy times.